Knowing Who You Are Might Be One of the Most Illogical Things We've Agreed To

Let's talk about our sense of self. As women, we are familiar with the phrase that you should know who you are by X age fill in the blank. This expectation often leads us down a road of shame.

It's actually one of the most illogical things we could have agreed to as a society.

We are constantly evolving our sense of self, and there are several versions of who we are during any given cycle. We don't actually know what the evolution will look like, what they serve to do during their cycle, and where our ultimate destination is. So how on earth could we possibly know who we are?

Let's apply this to a real life situation. Before my mum passed away, I was intending on progressing from a manager to a HoS the most desired and scarce role in my organisation. I wanted a sizeable family of 4 children, and I wanted to buy a home, which I still hadn't done at 38 years old.

The day my mum passed away, that version of me started to unravel. I no longer wanted that progression I craved something deeper, more purpose driven. I became curious about my sense of self, what this thing called life is all about, and I made the decision to invest over £2,000 to certify as a Human Design Coach whilst still working full time. For the past 12 months I have been building the version of life I want to.

Then I hit a stumbling block in my marriage. We couldn't agree on the family size, with my husband wanting a significantly smaller family. This was a painful tension because this hit at the heart of who I was my entire identity reduced to this one rock that wouldn't move out of the way. For months I resisted and refused to consider anything less. Why should I be the one to compromise, you knew what I wanted, so why should I bend so the thoughts continued.

Eventually things soured between us, and the warmth and connection we once had completely disappeared.

An opportunity came up for me to attend Bali a trip I really wanted to do last year but couldn't make it work. My husband was very supportive of the trip and told me not to worry about our son, he's got it.

This was the opening. That one action allowed me to sit with the privilege I was just afforded. A mother of one 3-year-old child having the freedom and flexibility to go to Bali for a week whilst my partner takes care of our 3-year-old son alone. I hadn't had this level of freedom since the day I saw those 2 lines. I had poured everything into my little boy at a personal cost to me. That side of me that needed space, freedom, hadn't been acknowledged, let alone nurtured.

In that moment I realised that having four children would deepen that distance, and actually it's a part of me that needs regular attention. That allowed me to make the decision that I only wanted one more child. Suddenly the tension was gone. The interesting thing was I was the driver of that tension, because I was holding onto an ideal I had from being very young without really assessing if it was suitable for the life I wanted to live.

Then there was buying a house. I used to feel so much embarrassment that I didn't own a home when all my friends did. But when I booked Bali, the world opened up to me again. I realised how powerful nature is to me and being in an environment that is inspiring. That led me to ask, do I really want to live in the UK for the rest of my life? I haven't arrived at the answer yet.

I have an Undefined Identity centre and that has allowed me to understand and accept that by my very nature I’m not designed to anchor into something for the rest of my life. my sense of self is designed to be fluid and evolve when I feel the pull.

But this example shows you how delicate your external image of your sense of self is. The fixed image we create of who we are doesn't really exist in the permanent way we think it does. If you had told me 5 years ago my core desire would have changed so much, I would have laughed. Nobody knows what the next version of you wants to achieve that's why it's simply not possible to know who you are and what you want at any given time. All we can say for certain is I'm not who I was yesterday, and I'm certainly not going to be who I currently am tomorrow.

Even musicians who sing the same genre you can often hear the experimentation, the change, the evolution of several albums. Creativity has several ways of expressing itself. Don't fall into the trap of believing it's linear, of spending the next decade of your life working tirelessly toward that image you hold.

So next time you're reflecting and feeling like you should be further along, remember this. The version of you who chose that earlier destination may not be the same version of you who is living your life today. That's not you falling behind. That's just what evolving looks like.

If you're in a season where the old version of you doesn't fit anymore, your Human Design can't tell you who to become — but it can show you how you're built to navigate that change. That's what a reading with me is for. Book a free Alignment Exploration Call.