The Pattern I Couldn't See For 39 Years

Patterns are everywhere; we are surrounded by them yet seemingly oblivious to their existence. If you take the numerological patterns that govern the universe, like the hexagon, it isn't just bees that have this instinctive nature to build like this, you see the same shape with snowflakes, water crystals and atoms. It's a universal pattern of the universe, yet many of us don't connect these dots on a day-to-day basis because for the most part they are largely irrelevant to our day.

But given we are surrounded by so many different patterns, it is striking how many of us are in the dark about our own patterns keeping us stuck.

My theory is this: because we only focus on the symptom, not the cause, we stay stuck.

I know this because I have the Channel of Mutation (3-60), which is something called Format Energy in Human Design, meaning it underpins my design and is the dominant energy I experience. So what this looks like for me is long periods of stagnation, stuck in misalignment where things just aren't moving, followed by sudden breakthroughs and changes.

Patterns Running My Life in the Background

I'm going to share how this exact pattern has played out for me in my life many times over, and the power of identifying the pattern over treating the symptom.

The Bali Retreat: The Pattern in Real Time

Let's start with my decision to go to Bali. As you know, I wanted to go to a retreat in Bali last year but I couldn't make it work for several reasons. My son was only two and a half and still relied on me a lot. Financially it was doable, but a little tight. So I withdrew after paying the deposit.

Anyway, a year later, the same retreat popped up, and I thought, this time I'm going. My son will be three and a half, his relationship with his dad is highly established, and he's way more independent. Money was much better, so I knew I could afford it. I spoke to my husband, he was 100% supportive and was like, go, just let me research the planes you're flying on, because I want you to be safe.

So I was about to book the flight and pay the deposit, and something very interesting happened.

What the Objections Were Really Hiding

The first objection landed: what am I doing, I can't afford this. The whole thing would cost me £2,000. I pulled out my spreadsheet again, and the numbers all worked out. Money wasn't an issue.

Then I found myself saying, isn't it a little selfish of you to spend that much money on just you, when you have a family? I then thought, well, maybe I can take my son and husband on a holiday in September or October, so they experience a holiday too. That way it's fair.

Then the guilt arrived. I'm a mum to a three-and-a-half-year-old boy, is this even the right thing to do? Mums are supposed to be with their children, not on solo retreats halfway across the world.

Then came the value challenge. I found myself saying, will it even be worth it, or a complete waste of money? Will I regret it, will I learn anything, or will this just be one big expensive experience I have very little to show for it?

At this point I took a step back. I gave myself spaciousness, introspection and curiosity to understand what was happening, because the day before I was going with a very confident yes, but in this moment, it was like a different experience entirely.

Here's what I noticed.

A pattern was running on a loop, one that in my whole 39 years of life I never paid attention to before, because the expression was always different, so I couldn't catch it the same way I did on this night.

The guilt, money, selfishness and value debate were all distractions from a much deeper pattern at play: the inability to allow myself to receive.

Where the Pattern Started

When I sat with this, it became so clear it silenced me. I reflected on my childhood, I'm one of seven, so sharing was the thing, and nobody could have more than the other, so we were always encouraged to share and put others before us. Not a bad thing, but that behaviour deepened for me quite significantly.

The Pattern Shows Up Everywhere

It started to play out in my romantic relationship too, because a pattern isn't contained to one part of your life, it often shows up in all areas. I remember it was a really warm day, and my husband had just picked me up from the train station after I finished work. I got in the car and said, oh, you're using the AC, I'm glad you guys are nice and cool (he normally just puts the windows down, because AC in my car, which is literally the most expensive car ever, evaporates the fuel). He said, oh no, I put it on for you, so the car was nice and cool for you.

That was it, the pattern fired up again. I was looking at the fuel gauge and saying, it's ok, you don't have to put it on for me, just put the windows down. I felt so uncomfortable that it was just for me, an expense for my own comfort, but had he said it's for me and my son, I wouldn't have said a word. This is when it really hit me how deep the pattern went.

When I discovered my Human Design, I was fascinated with it, and one area in particular that really caught my eye was my undefined Solar Plexus. Once I understood this centre, it allowed me to look more truthfully at the dynamic I had created in my marriage.

Doing the thing that I wanted was always difficult for me, because I found it difficult to give to myself. Whether that was starting a family or buying things, I would always try to accommodate my husband's preferences, and I'd justify heavily why I deserved new clothes or trainers. Part of that was driven by the fact we weren't well off, so when we had things, they had to last, and my mum was very clear that money doesn't grow on trees, so that scarcity mindset stayed with me.

When I reflected on my marriage, I noticed two things at play. Whenever we were at odds, I felt deeply uncomfortable, to the point I wanted to resolve it to create some form of harmony. Add to that the fact I'm a 6/2, sixes can be a little bit of a perfectionist, which plays out by me taking on more responsibilities than I should, because in my mind no one can do it better, so I may as well do it.

The consequence: the energy of my Solar Plexus was so strong that I created an artificial sense of harmony by silencing what I wanted. This suited me well, because giving to myself was difficult anyway. The cost, a life that didn't feel like mine. I had completely lost my sense of self and what I wanted, because I had spent so long appeasing others.

My final example of this pattern: I was at my hairdresser's getting my hair done, and she started asking me about my business. I said it's going ok, social media I find a little tricky to market on Instagram. She said, I've seen your reels and they are really good, I try and like as many as I can, but actually, I should probably start commenting too. My instant reaction was, no, you don't need to do that, a like is more than enough. There it was again, even though she said she wanted to do that, I rejected it and couldn't receive.

Treating the Cause, Not the Symptom

This is exactly what patterns do, they map across all aspects of our lives, just in different ways. This is where most of us go wrong, because we treat the symptom and not the cause. Take my examples above. I only resolved this pattern when I booked Bali in June 2026. I'm 39 years old.

Every other instance before that, I was stuck in a loop repeating it, but completely unaware. I was like a cat fixated on the toy fish dangling from the string, never once noticing the hand on the other end that was actually moving it. I was so busy watching the fish, I missed what was really controlling the game.

We can't change what we don't see, and this is why I'm a huge advocate for spaciousness, introspection and curiosity to surface your patterns.

We all have patterns like this governing our lives, some beneficial, others not so much. The key is to find the pattern keeping you stuck, because that is truly where your freedom lies.

I broke this pattern by booking the retreat to Bali, the biggest investment, and yes, I could have given to myself. That yes has done something incredibly powerful. It's recalibrated my baseline and sent a signal to my subconscious that receiving is safe and normal for me.

Does that mean saying yes will be straightforward now? No, quite the opposite. I will still get it wrong and deny myself until the trust muscle fully develops, and that's ok. Misalignment is a key part of our growth as women, and it's why I teach women how to purposefully move through it to identify the patterns keeping them stuck.

I'm not special. I just did that consistently, and was curious enough to want to understand what was happening.

If anything here resonates, feel free to download my free audio guide, One Decision At A Time. I created it to help you understand how your authority actually feels in your body, in real time. Once you can feel the difference between a genuine decision and one you overrode, you're one step closer to surfacing the pattern keeping you stuck.